Well today is Jan. 2nd of 2009. I can't believe still that you are gone. I understand God's plan and how it all works it just is so hard for us here that are left behind until we meet again. You know this past year and still right now things are so stressful and I find when I am stressed that I tend to take it out on Matt. Then I think of you and Brenda and I am reminded that I bet she looks back at your time together and realizes all the time that could have been spent better. Now I am not saying that the two of you didn't have a good marriage because you did. I could tell that the both of you completed each other. I am just saying when people are married you deal with hard times like the economy or finances or bills {do you see the reoccuring theme?} anyway when all is said in done we can't take our "things with us"...so why do I or we spend so much time worrying about it all? I remember when I would stress like this.....you were always a calm focussed voice I could turn to. I love how you knew when to listen and you knew when to offer advice. I wonder why God doesn't allow us to have even a measily 10 minutes a year to chat with you......I bet we wouldn't take that time for granted like we did when our loved ones were here.
If I had ten minutes to talk with you this is how I think I would use it.
1. I would spend all ten minutes hearing about you and how you have been doing in heaven.
The thing I struggle with right now besides finances is.....it can possibly be like 60 to 70 years before I see or hear from you. You can not physically be here to see your grandkids grow....you have two knew grandkids since you died. You will not be at Taylors graduation from highschool you will not be at Isabella's wedding. Anyway I love you dad and I still miss you more than ever. I am praying that God would allow you to feel my heart today cause today it is hurting.
Love you
Kelley
3 comments:
You aren't the only one. I worry about people forgetting dad. I cry so hard that it's actually hard to breathe because I know I'll never get to see him hug Logan or meagan, not even once. I try and picture his voice without sickness or exhaustion masking what he truly sounded like. This last week has been so hard without him. I don't know why this week is any different from the others. I've cried every single day. I just want one more hug, one more absolutely perfect hug .... one more "I love you Rach" or "Ya goofball"
You know I have this birthday party thing for dad and I'm sure this year will be like last year ... people making into a family reunion but for me it's a chance to stand back and look at all that he touched in some way. So many people that he helped pick up when they were down. Myself included. Man, I wish he was back with every single ounce of my soul. I miss him!
You aren't the only one. I worry about people forgetting dad. I cry so hard that it's actually hard to breathe because I know I'll never get to see him hug Logan or meagan, not even once. I try and picture his voice without sickness or exhaustion masking what he truly sounded like. This last week has been so hard without him. I don't know why this week is any different from the others. I've cried every single day. I just want one more hug, one more absolutely perfect hug .... one more "I love you Rach" or "Ya goofball"
You know I have this birthday party thing for dad and I'm sure this year will be like last year ... people making into a family reunion but for me it's a chance to stand back and look at all that he touched in some way. So many people that he helped pick up when they were down. Myself included. Man, I wish he was back with every single ounce of my soul. I miss him!
Kelley, I have been to this site a couple of times in the last few days along with the one uncle Rich put up. Man, it's been hard without Dad lately. I try and not let show just how much I miss him and how much I cry over not being able to call him up ... or the fact that two of my children will never quite know just how wonderful he is.
I've never claimed to know God's plan (who does!?) or claim that I even understand anything that he has allowed to happen in our lives. I admit I've shouted at God and told him I'm angry. I admit I've made so many mistakes since dad died that I wish I could take back because I just want him to be able to say when he sees me again that he was proud of me.
Just when I feel like giving up and tossing faith aside God always shows his presence to me in some small but significant way that he has never left and he knows my hurt and my heart. I know he isn't angry when I am mad or hurt ... because that's always when his love seems to shine through it all.
I miss dad so much it seems hard to breathe at times. And I may never understand why things have been the way they've been through our lives til I make it to Heaven myself ... but today I can say ... I've got so much trust that for whatever reason things are the way they are, a beatiful portrait is waiting to be finished just us to see when we arrive. I have to trust that this thought will help me make it through til I can see dad's face again, feel his hug encompass me, and hear his laugh so loud that not one thing could ever possibly be wrong again.
I love you so much and thank you for keeping dad's memory alive with this page! You always seem to help me through even when you are unaware of it. ~Rach
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