Dad I am waiting for Isabella to wake anytime now. Then we will go get a few balloons and go to Manito and send the balloons off to you. We know they will never actually reach you but I think this is a neat way for the kids to celebrate you. Last night at the exact time of your death I snuck out of bed and went outside and thought of last years moments with you. I picked a star in the sky and watched it twinkle.....and yes a little weird but I pictured the twinkle being a twinkle in your eye. I pictured you on a beach...loving the sun. I bet heaven is amazing. I have noticed since losing you how much I long to get a glimpse of heaven and what you do there. Anyway Dad when you check your "heavenly Blog" take comfort in knowing that today I am trying to enjoy all the things you enjoyed here in Spokane.
I wonder what Chad and Bianca and Brenda and Adam are doing today? I know Rachel is baking a chocolate cake and planting a Papa Sam garden. Rachels son Logan takes comfort in talking with you all the time.
Any way Dad I love you.
PS Who ever responded on the other blog.....Thank you.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Friday, April 6, 2007
Please do not read if hearing about his last moment will offend you somehow. I also apologize to any family member who does not approve. I did this more for my own memories. I never want to forget how special my last few days with my dad were...and are. I am hoping that this will help me always remember and maybe help some family know about his last days and get comfort in knowing that we were right there.
A year ago today I was sitting in Dads room and by this time he was pretty sedated to help with the pain. By this time I had so many mixed feelings relief because I was not seeing him in pain any longer but also a realization of what was coming. I sat and read the bible at one time for about an hour...Adam and I kind of took turns in the room for the most part. I do want to share or at least say there was this calm of watching him rest and relax. One of my favorite pictures in the entire world was one that Adam took. I was holding Dads right hand and he just zoomed in. I have that photo framed and keep it as a reminder of never letting go. Later that day {early afternoon} I remember sitting in the chair next to his bed and seeing that bag....the pee pee bag and noticing that it was empty for the first time. I left and went to the nurses station and asked the nurses about it. They talked with me in the most loving sincere way and told me that his organs were shutting down. Even though I knew this was coming it hit me like a brick. I really broke down. One thing about a Hospice unit is really there is no place to sit ad cry without someone seeing you or trying to help. This is the one time I felt naked and vulnerable as I cried in front of those nurses. After that I remember going back into his room and taking lotion and rubbing Dads leg and foot....the day before that leg was really bugging him and he asked me to rub it so this was the only thing that I could think to do for him now. Even though he could not speak I knew he was still there....I knew he could feel his family by his side. I am not sure if me rubbing his leg actually at this time brought him any comfort...but I know that was the only thing at this time that was able to bring me any comfort. I remember Brenda looking so tired from the long journey that she had been through with Dad and looking at her and seeing the love she felt for Dad...and still does. She is so amazing I can't even put it into words. She was so faithful in watching over Dad and trying to get the best care for him. I remember giving her a hug and feeling how frail she felt. I think the look she had was like one of knowing your best friend is leaving.....it broke my heart. Anyway the day went by and later that night Adam and I decided instead of going back to the hotel that night that we would stay on the floor in the family waiting area. So we pulled the pillows off the couches and the nurses gave us blankets and Adam and his friend Johnny and my other brother Chad all got as comfy as we could and watched the movie the Chronicles of Narnia. I remember that when the movie ended Chad [who lives in Pensacola} was going to go home for the night. At this time it was about 1:00 something in the morning Florida time. He left to say goodnight to Dad and it seemed like maybe 4 or 5 minutes later he came back with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to come into the room and that the nurses said that Dads breathing was showing that it was going to be anytime. So we went into the room and we all gathered around the bed. I remember asking Brenda to take his hand and she wanted us to. Again I look at that as a act of total love towards us. She graciously stood by his leg/feet area along with Chad while Adam held his left hand and I held his right hand. I remember looking at Dad and seeing he still looked like he was resting really well. His breathing the only way I can describe it was it looked like a wave in the ocean coming and going from his stomach to his chest going back and forth as we heard his breath. We talked about what Dad was thinking and some funny memories. I remember having tears in my eyes that never seemed to drop. I remember thinking I can't believe that this was actually happening to my own personal giant hero. At that moment we all stood silent watching his breathing. At one time we thought he had taken his last breath....only to have one more small prank pulled by Dad after what seemed like eternity he took in one big breath and when he exhaled I remember thinking it looked like God was taking that last breath away.....then he was gone. I remember looking at the ceiling right then crying thinking that Dad was on his journey to heaven. I remember he always liked those books on out of body moments where they talked about the people looking down on their own bodies and seeing families by their side. As I looked up I remember thinking I bet he is watching us right now. Then I looked back at the clock and saw it said 2:10. The nurses came in and checked his vitals and said yes he was gone. We had to leave for about 20 minutes while they kind of cleaned him up. When we came back his color was already gone and that is when it really hit me hard! They made him look dead even though I know he was they had added a comforter to his bed that was pulled up to just below his chin. Then a wash cloth was rolled up under his chin to hold his head up. They had put his glasses back on which seemed weird to me. I remember when Adam and I came back in we messed up the comforter and took off his glasses. I kissed him on the forehead and again could not believe what had just happened. Let me back up a little I remember right after he died going out into the hall way and calling Rachel{She was very pregnant at the time so was unable to come}. Paul her husband answered the phone. Spokane time it was just after midnight. Anyway I remember when she got on the phone I told her that Dad had just died and told her what had happened. When I got off the phone I called Matt...my husband and told him. Any way now fast forward to where I was before. I remember Chad and Brenda coming in {at this time it had only been about 20minutes since he died} I remember chad crying I gave him a hug and at that moment I felt Dad again. If any of you ever felt one of my Dads hugs it was huge it was safe it was squishy. I remember closing my eyes trying to picture dad hugging me.....minus the old spice scent. Anyway the next parts I will not share because I do not think most people would understand how we were able to find humor in some of the things that happened next so that will stay between us that were in the room Brenda, Adam, Chad and I.
One thing I did want to share though is I remember the first Day I got there. Everyone let me have a few minutes with dad by himself. Dad was sitting on the side of his bed kind of rocking back and forth. I asked him Dad can I give you a hug? He said yes as he shook his head....when he did this he looked at me with one eye open and one closed like he always did. I took his arms and put them around me and I hugged him probably more than I should have and I remember feeling him pat my back. I felt like he was still trying to comfort me....what a man. When I let go he smiled up at me.
Anyway anyone reading this please take note that a year ago this world lost one of the greatest men ever. He may not have been famous but he was a giant hero to all who knew him. I will always treasure every single moment I had with him and always hold dear to me knowing that he died with family by his side.
A year ago today I was sitting in Dads room and by this time he was pretty sedated to help with the pain. By this time I had so many mixed feelings relief because I was not seeing him in pain any longer but also a realization of what was coming. I sat and read the bible at one time for about an hour...Adam and I kind of took turns in the room for the most part. I do want to share or at least say there was this calm of watching him rest and relax. One of my favorite pictures in the entire world was one that Adam took. I was holding Dads right hand and he just zoomed in. I have that photo framed and keep it as a reminder of never letting go. Later that day {early afternoon} I remember sitting in the chair next to his bed and seeing that bag....the pee pee bag and noticing that it was empty for the first time. I left and went to the nurses station and asked the nurses about it. They talked with me in the most loving sincere way and told me that his organs were shutting down. Even though I knew this was coming it hit me like a brick. I really broke down. One thing about a Hospice unit is really there is no place to sit ad cry without someone seeing you or trying to help. This is the one time I felt naked and vulnerable as I cried in front of those nurses. After that I remember going back into his room and taking lotion and rubbing Dads leg and foot....the day before that leg was really bugging him and he asked me to rub it so this was the only thing that I could think to do for him now. Even though he could not speak I knew he was still there....I knew he could feel his family by his side. I am not sure if me rubbing his leg actually at this time brought him any comfort...but I know that was the only thing at this time that was able to bring me any comfort. I remember Brenda looking so tired from the long journey that she had been through with Dad and looking at her and seeing the love she felt for Dad...and still does. She is so amazing I can't even put it into words. She was so faithful in watching over Dad and trying to get the best care for him. I remember giving her a hug and feeling how frail she felt. I think the look she had was like one of knowing your best friend is leaving.....it broke my heart. Anyway the day went by and later that night Adam and I decided instead of going back to the hotel that night that we would stay on the floor in the family waiting area. So we pulled the pillows off the couches and the nurses gave us blankets and Adam and his friend Johnny and my other brother Chad all got as comfy as we could and watched the movie the Chronicles of Narnia. I remember that when the movie ended Chad [who lives in Pensacola} was going to go home for the night. At this time it was about 1:00 something in the morning Florida time. He left to say goodnight to Dad and it seemed like maybe 4 or 5 minutes later he came back with tears in his eyes and said that we needed to come into the room and that the nurses said that Dads breathing was showing that it was going to be anytime. So we went into the room and we all gathered around the bed. I remember asking Brenda to take his hand and she wanted us to. Again I look at that as a act of total love towards us. She graciously stood by his leg/feet area along with Chad while Adam held his left hand and I held his right hand. I remember looking at Dad and seeing he still looked like he was resting really well. His breathing the only way I can describe it was it looked like a wave in the ocean coming and going from his stomach to his chest going back and forth as we heard his breath. We talked about what Dad was thinking and some funny memories. I remember having tears in my eyes that never seemed to drop. I remember thinking I can't believe that this was actually happening to my own personal giant hero. At that moment we all stood silent watching his breathing. At one time we thought he had taken his last breath....only to have one more small prank pulled by Dad after what seemed like eternity he took in one big breath and when he exhaled I remember thinking it looked like God was taking that last breath away.....then he was gone. I remember looking at the ceiling right then crying thinking that Dad was on his journey to heaven. I remember he always liked those books on out of body moments where they talked about the people looking down on their own bodies and seeing families by their side. As I looked up I remember thinking I bet he is watching us right now. Then I looked back at the clock and saw it said 2:10. The nurses came in and checked his vitals and said yes he was gone. We had to leave for about 20 minutes while they kind of cleaned him up. When we came back his color was already gone and that is when it really hit me hard! They made him look dead even though I know he was they had added a comforter to his bed that was pulled up to just below his chin. Then a wash cloth was rolled up under his chin to hold his head up. They had put his glasses back on which seemed weird to me. I remember when Adam and I came back in we messed up the comforter and took off his glasses. I kissed him on the forehead and again could not believe what had just happened. Let me back up a little I remember right after he died going out into the hall way and calling Rachel{She was very pregnant at the time so was unable to come}. Paul her husband answered the phone. Spokane time it was just after midnight. Anyway I remember when she got on the phone I told her that Dad had just died and told her what had happened. When I got off the phone I called Matt...my husband and told him. Any way now fast forward to where I was before. I remember Chad and Brenda coming in {at this time it had only been about 20minutes since he died} I remember chad crying I gave him a hug and at that moment I felt Dad again. If any of you ever felt one of my Dads hugs it was huge it was safe it was squishy. I remember closing my eyes trying to picture dad hugging me.....minus the old spice scent. Anyway the next parts I will not share because I do not think most people would understand how we were able to find humor in some of the things that happened next so that will stay between us that were in the room Brenda, Adam, Chad and I.
One thing I did want to share though is I remember the first Day I got there. Everyone let me have a few minutes with dad by himself. Dad was sitting on the side of his bed kind of rocking back and forth. I asked him Dad can I give you a hug? He said yes as he shook his head....when he did this he looked at me with one eye open and one closed like he always did. I took his arms and put them around me and I hugged him probably more than I should have and I remember feeling him pat my back. I felt like he was still trying to comfort me....what a man. When I let go he smiled up at me.
Anyway anyone reading this please take note that a year ago this world lost one of the greatest men ever. He may not have been famous but he was a giant hero to all who knew him. I will always treasure every single moment I had with him and always hold dear to me knowing that he died with family by his side.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
The day he left....
I will never forget whispering into his ear all the wonderful memories I will always treasure. All the times he would call me at just the right time. What about the time when he knew my sister and I needed him the most and he flew us there just so we could get that much needed hug from him.
I remember living in Puerto Rico and he took me outside to learn to ride my butterfly banana seat bike. With out fail every single time I tried to ride I will jiggle to the left then over correct to the right and fall flat. But that day he took me out and he held onto the metal bar on the back of the bike and said I won't let go. I went and every once and awhile I would look back to him running along side the bike smiling at me. I felt very comfortable that he was not going to let go so I enjoyed riding down the block. After what seemed like a lifetime I looked back to see him smile with me...only to find him halfway down the block.........then I fell. The wonderful part of this story was He had faith in me. I had faith that he was going to stick by me and never leave.... I trusted him. Now fast forward about 26 years to me standing next to his bed on the Hospice unit floor. As I held his hand and whispered in his ear that wonderful memory. I told him I learned a valuble lesson that day with him. He taught me even when someone lets go they are still there for you. I let him know that I am holding his hand and I will never leave his side {Even though at this time he could not talk with me...tears began to run down his face as he squeezed my hand ever so slightly} I let him know that as I held one hand that Jesus was holding the other hand. I told him that he could let go though it was okay...and I would be alright. About 10 hours later he died with me holding his right hand and my brother holding his left hand and my other brother and step mom down by his feet. We watched his very last breath here on earth. I know as he took his last breath that Jesus was right there for his first breath up in heaven.
I hold dear to me so many wonderful things about you dad. I will never forget the way you always had one eye shut as if you were staring into the sun. I will always remember the way you walked. I will miss hearing you calling me pretending to be everyone but yourself. I will miss the smile man you would always draw on every single letter or card. But most of all Dad I will miss your hugs. No one in the world can give a squishy hug like you.
Hey if you ever do get that e-mail I was praying for could you please take time out of all heavens glory to send me a little ol' e-mail?
Love ya,
Kelley
I remember living in Puerto Rico and he took me outside to learn to ride my butterfly banana seat bike. With out fail every single time I tried to ride I will jiggle to the left then over correct to the right and fall flat. But that day he took me out and he held onto the metal bar on the back of the bike and said I won't let go. I went and every once and awhile I would look back to him running along side the bike smiling at me. I felt very comfortable that he was not going to let go so I enjoyed riding down the block. After what seemed like a lifetime I looked back to see him smile with me...only to find him halfway down the block.........then I fell. The wonderful part of this story was He had faith in me. I had faith that he was going to stick by me and never leave.... I trusted him. Now fast forward about 26 years to me standing next to his bed on the Hospice unit floor. As I held his hand and whispered in his ear that wonderful memory. I told him I learned a valuble lesson that day with him. He taught me even when someone lets go they are still there for you. I let him know that I am holding his hand and I will never leave his side {Even though at this time he could not talk with me...tears began to run down his face as he squeezed my hand ever so slightly} I let him know that as I held one hand that Jesus was holding the other hand. I told him that he could let go though it was okay...and I would be alright. About 10 hours later he died with me holding his right hand and my brother holding his left hand and my other brother and step mom down by his feet. We watched his very last breath here on earth. I know as he took his last breath that Jesus was right there for his first breath up in heaven.
I hold dear to me so many wonderful things about you dad. I will never forget the way you always had one eye shut as if you were staring into the sun. I will always remember the way you walked. I will miss hearing you calling me pretending to be everyone but yourself. I will miss the smile man you would always draw on every single letter or card. But most of all Dad I will miss your hugs. No one in the world can give a squishy hug like you.
Hey if you ever do get that e-mail I was praying for could you please take time out of all heavens glory to send me a little ol' e-mail?
Love ya,
Kelley
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)